The GoalTribe Blog

There is a dangerous myth that pervades our culture that leads a large number of people into misery. It’s probably even causing you stress right now. It’s one that I’ve only recently found my way out of. This fallacy is so basic to our way of thinking that we often don’t even question it, although I’ve traveled through many countries where people widely believe the exact opposite (and are much happier as a result).

The myth:

You can take complete control of your life,
all you have to do is set goals and take massive action until you achieve them.

The truth:

You can achieve incredible things in your life,
And you can be profoundly joyful,
But there will always be more things out of your control than in your control
- and that’s just perfect!

Each thing you try to control, each thing that you prefer to be one way or the other, each ‘rule’ you have for how life should be, consumes a little more of your power, attention and happiness. Every time you get upset that someone breaks one of your rules of behavior, or every time you’re annoyed that a picture is hanging a little crooked, it takes some of the personal attention you could be putting toward gaining financial independence, building a great relationship with your kids, or making a big difference in your community.

In any given situation, the person who is most flexible (has the fewest rules and attachments to what should happen) is the most powerful. Many self improvement programs begin by encouraging you to write an exhaustive list of all the things you want in all areas of your life, and to be very particular about the outcome you want - “what make, model and color of car?” It’s OK to know the ideal outcome, but if that’s the only outcome that will make you happy, you could achieve amazing things in your life and still feel like a failure. Your definition of success is so specific that you’ve made it much harder than necessary to achieve. After many years of being frustrated trying to control all aspects of my life, I finally realized that by thinking that way, you really miss how magnificent most of life already is. You miss out on a lot of gratitude, which is a big key to happiness.

It’s actually possible to be profoundly content with the world just as it is, while still passionately, vigerously pursuing those goals which are important to you (even becoming rich or changing the world). The principal can be tough to wrap your brain around. It’s really the crux of the difference between Eastern and Western philosophy. I came to understand it over time through a variety of sources including the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra, and Eckhart Tolle. But I finally really got it through Wayne Dyers incredible book: Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

Bottom Line: Goals are an important part of a fulfilled life, but so are flexibility, peace, and contentment.

Pursue your wildest dreams! But begin from a place of deep joy and happiness with the world around you.

8 Keys to Loving Your Life Right Now

1. You can have anything that you want, but you can’t have everything that you want. Concentrate your power on changing those things that matter most to you. Relax about everything else. Appreciate them as they are.

2. On any given day trillions of things go right, and only a small fraction go ‘wrong’. Trillions of sun beams fall upon the earth where billions of plants happily turn them into energy to prepare oxygen, tens of thousands of  people around the world do their jobs to take the plants and other materials to prepare food, clothes and other things for you. They test, write directions, package and ship goods thousands of miles, put them on shelves and follow the rules of commerce and money exchange to let you buy them. As you travel to the store, most of the people you pass follow the rules to give you a safe journey. And when you sit down to enjoy a meal, trillions of cells in your body work together to allow you to move the food to your mouth, chew, enjoy the taste, smell the aromas, and process the food into all the new cells your body needs. You can go on for hours listing all the intricate details which worked well. So why get obsessed about the few things that didn’t go exactly like you wanted them to today!?

3. Practice Non-Attachment. This basic principal of Buddhism used to seem like giving up on life to me. Then I finally came to understand it in a much more practical sense. You can have high intention for a goal, but be non-attached to the outcome. In other words, you’re emotions aren’t tied to what happens. You won’t be devastated if you don’t get the exact outcome you were after.

4. Don’t Judge. Basically, this means stop bothering yourself with how other people are behaving. The fact is there are almost no agreed upon, universal rules about how people should act these days. So you can’t constantly be outraged that people aren’t following your specific set of rules! Especially if you’ve never communicated those rules to that person. It’s just wasted energy. Let people follow their own path in life. Instead be curious about how they view the world, be entertained by the color they add to your experience, be thankful you’ve got something different and interesting to observe. Give up controlling others, send love instead, and find your life becoming  more peaceful.

5. Surrender to what is. The worst suffering comes when you just refuse to accept the world as it is. It’s amazing how often we do this. Just surrender to the world as it is, then begin to work to make things better.

6. Imperfection is perfect. Image a book that began “And they lived happily ever after.” Imagine a movie where the lead actor has a perfect life and nothing bad ever happens. You’d be bored stiff! All the challenges and ‘imperfections’ in life are actually what make life worth living. If life were ‘perfect’ we’d have to invent problems just to entertain ourselves. Enjoy and celebrate the challenges, imperfections and annoyances that come up. If you think “we’ll laugh at this some day”, laugh at it now! Look at challenges as entertaining adventures, a heroes’ quest that will teach you something about yourself and life.

7. Don’t sweat the small stuff - It’s all small stuff. The whole mental game here, is expanding what you consider ’small stuff’.

8. In my world, nothing ever goes wrong - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. This is the highest level of understanding that the previous 7 points build up to. It leads to an incredible sense of peace in life, and frees enormous energy to passionately pursue your dreams and goals. Just imagine for a moment what if nothing really ever DOES go wrong. What if all the things that seem to be wrong are just opportunities to pit your creativity and passion against to grow from the challenge? What if it’s supposed to happen like that and it’s perfect that way?

Some of this will make sense to you, and some of it might seem like complete nonsense. Take what you can and let the rest just float over your mind and see if it makes sense some time in the future.

If you have any experiences or thoughts to add, please comment below!

This post was inspired by the post: How to Let Go of Control on zenhabits.com

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